i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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