If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can Purell be used as lube?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
