A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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