nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
