how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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