I wish I could teleport
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
