You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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