What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
