Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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