I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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