12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
