I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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