I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
