Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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