The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We got so high we made milksteak
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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