apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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