you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
