I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk is not a location!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
