They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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