Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
