drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
