I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
