i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Damn victory sex feels great
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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