oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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