We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
this beer tastes like vomit already
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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