It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
