Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
