You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
