Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
