Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize