News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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