And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
