you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize