when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize