i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
