I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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