he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
