My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
