im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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