Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
