that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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