he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
