The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
