I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
