just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
