I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
