This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Randomize
