maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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