i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
