I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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