cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize