the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
