u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
