How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
