Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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