If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
