I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
bring money and cleavage
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
