I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
