Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
