He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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