Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
