We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
