im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
