im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize